Saitama VS Kenshiro



Saitama vs Kenshiro is the 20th episode of DEATH BATTLE! But it's DBX, featuring Saitama from One Punch Man and Kenshiro from Fist of the North Star series in a battle between hand to hand combat.

Description
One Punch Man dukes it out with the Fist of the North Star, where victory is just a single punch away!

Interlude
(*Cues: Wiz & Boomstick - Brandon Yates*)

Wiz: We've covered a lot of macho heroes here on DEATH BATTLE!, but these two are as manly and stoic as they come.

Boomstick: It's all in those sweet ass jackets. I mean, I-I guess they're pretty badass, too.

Wiz: Saitama, the One Punch Man

Boomstick: And Kenshiro, the wandering Fist of the North Star. He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.

Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win... a Death Battle.

Saitama
Wiz: Life is pain: brutal and short. The challenges we face during our brief sojourn on this tiny blue marble are what make us human. They light a fire in our soul. They make it all worth something. Without them, we are lost.

Boomstick: Yeah, it's a little early in the day for an existential crisis, but luckily, I came prepared.

A beer can can be heard opening.

Wiz: For this failed salaryman, all it took to get that fiery passion back was to save this butt-chinned child from a crab monster in underwear... that was a sentence.

Boomstick: This man was Saitama, and he was going to be a superhero.

Wiz: And so, he trained, pushing his body beyond its limits and shattering the boundaries of humanity.

Boomstick: So hard, his freakin' hair fell out!

Wiz: Saitama's strength grew exponentially day by day, with the goal of becoming the greatest hero who ever lived.

Boomstick: And much to his horror, that's exactly what he got.

Saitama: All it took was one punch.... DAMMIIIIITTTTT!!!!!

Wiz: He became too strong. He became the one, the only, the infamous... Caped Baldy.

Boomstick: But anyone who's cool knows him as One-Punch Man, as in he can't help but beat almost every opponent he's faced in exactly one punch. ONE... freakin' punch! And this is a universe with some pretty whacked-out monsters, like a giant who's over a quarter of a kilometer tall, and can stomp city-sized craters into the Earth!

Wiz: Or an esper who can effortlessly pull giant meteors from outer space.

Boomstick: Or a monster king who shaved off a continent from the Earth's surface, and lifted it into the stratosphere, and Saitama's never even broken so much as a sweat fighting any of 'em!

Wiz: During their battle, that same monster king absorbed this huge chunk of the Earth's core, and fired it at Saitama.

Boomstick: Who blocked it by squirt gunning some lava at it... the lava he was bathing in, naked, and then he punched him... surprise.

Wiz: Saitama's created afterimages just by hopping side-by-side, defeated a martial arts master with... his butt, and survived the inhospitable vaccum of space, after being kicked all the way to the moon, and before jumping back to Earth in about 16 seconds. That's eight percent the speed of light!

Boomstick: Kinda like the time he blocked attacks from this alien dude, who's stated to move near light-speed, or punched so fast, his fist starts to blueshift. Y'know, that thing that happens when you approach the speed of light?

Wiz: Saitama utilizes his absurdedly superhuman strength and speed with techniques like his devastating... Normal Punch, and if he wants to amp it up, the... Consecutive Normal Punches...

Boomstick: Are you kidding me?! THOSE are his attack names?! What kind of self-respecting anime protagonist is he?

Wiz: Plain and simple, he's a satire of one. Instead of seeing his journey from the beginning and enjoying his struggle to the top, we join him when he's already there.

Boomstick: Basically, imagine if Goku went Super Saiyan in his fight against Jackie Chun! Kinda sucks all the drama out of it, doesn't it?

Wiz: And that's the point. Far from the power fantasy the genre is known for, Saitama's life became an exestensial nightmare. Without suitable conflict, the struggle that had heretofore defined him became... meaningless. His new reality was inescapibly boring.

Boomstick: Which is really saying something, when he can decimate mountains without even hitting them! Or shatter asteroids that rank a nine on the Torino scale! For those not in the Tori-know, that's equal to one trillon tons of TNT! This guy's traning must've been insane!

Saitama: ''One hundred push-ups! One hundred sit-ups! And one hundred squats! Then a ten kilometer run!! DO IT EVERY SINGLE DAY!''

Boomstick: ...You've gotta be shitting me...

Wiz: It doesn't make sense because it's not ALLOWED to make sense. To be fair, though, to someone who isn't already a trained soldier or athelete, keeping that workout routine every day for years is pretty much impossible.

Boomstick: While a hundred push-ups and sit-ups are technically doable, especially if you space them out, doing a hundred squats, and then running half a marathon every single day would absolutely destroy your legs.

Wiz: Put simply, effective workouts involve shredding muscle fibers at the micro level, then allowing them time to repair themselves, more durable than before. This repair process requires hydration, consuming protein and carbohydrates, and lots of sleep.

Boomstick: But Saitama's workout schedule doesn't give them time to repair, which means he was basically just rippin' himself to shreds over and over and over!

(We cut to Wiz and Boomstick)

Boomstick: After a few days, he shouldn't even have been able to move! But he just... kept goin'!

Wiz: There MIGHT be an explanation. Take the brilliant scientist Dr. Genus, whose half-century of reasearch into evolution Saitama erased in...well, one punch. According to Genus' hypothesis, Saitama's training broke his limiter.

Boomstick: Basically, every living thing on Earth has a limit to their natural abilities. At some point, no matter how badass they are, they'll plateau. Wait a minute... have I peaked?! I gotta go to the gym!

(He runs off)

Wiz: Well, Saitama trained so hard, he literally defied the laws of nature and reality! He just... breaks the logic of his world! He crushed the entire field of evolutionary biology in the palm of his hand!

Boomstick: And while he has stated that his strength did eventually stop growing, it's pretty clear he's never gotten close to showing it off in full!

Wiz: Such as when he fought the godlike alien conqueror, Lord Boros and finally broke out his Serious Punch, a blow where he punches... a little harder... than normal...

Boomstick: And reflected Boros' Collapsing Star Roaring Cannon. Now, you see, THAT'S an attack name. An energy blast that was goin' to blow up the freakin' planet! That's over 50 zettatons of TNT, like a quadrillion of the world's strongest nukes going off at once!

Popup: While only implied in the anime and manga, the official One Punch Man: Hero Encyclopedia confirms Boros' attack was capable of destroying the Earth.

Wiz: Despite his obvious and overwhelming power, Saitama's accomplishments were never officially recognized. As if no one in the right minds could believe a psych ward Charlie Brown could save the world.

Boomstick: Eh, he doesn't seem to mind. Almost as if being removed from anything resembling conflict gave him a perspective on how tropey and contribed his world is. Only, Saitama's the only one in on the joke, because who cares about how far up their own ass a supervillain is, when you can just chill at home with your buds and play video games?

Wiz: Maybe that was the real lesson all along. Not to value our lives based on our accomplishments, but on the time we spend living, and enjoying life's simple pleasures.

Boomstick: I'll leave that to Saitama, and I can't think of anything more pleasurable than punching so hard my name becomes a byword for "Literally Unbeatable"! The dude is the undisputed king of broken anime characters, because until Saitama finds his equal, he's gonna end all his fights in... ONE PUNCH!!!!

Saitama: I guess that takes care of that.

(As he says this, pieces from the meteor he destroyed crash and explode behind him.)

Kenshiro
Wiz: It's the last decade of the twentieth century, and the world has been ruined. In this apocalyptic age, the strong survive and the weak kneel. Only one man challenges this new society, and fortunately, he has the literal power to do it.

Boomstick: Kenshiro, Fist of the North Star.

Wiz: Like most important protagonists, Kenshiro began his journey to greatness as a young orphan.

Boomstick: Lucky for him, he eventually met old man Ryuken, who was a pretty cool dude, ended up adopting Kenshiro, along with a few other kids.

Wiz: He was also the sixty-third Denshosha.

Boomstick: Don't shoot what? Gun safety?

Wiz: A grandmaster of an ancient Chinese martial art called Hokuto Shinken. While anyone can learn the basics of this dangerous fighting style, there can only ever be one grandmaster for each generation.

 Popup: Hokuto Shinken is over 1,800 years old!

Boomstick: So that's what Kenshiro set out to be, and with patience, training and plenty of muscle building, he was named the next successor of Hakuna Mata-shin. Too bad his adopted brother got pissed he wasn't chosen and killed Ryuken over it. Talk about a sore loser.

Wiz: With Hokuto Shinken mastered, Kenshiro can focus his energy into his strikes, effectively killing an opponent with a single blow to their pressure points. There are seven-hundred and eight malleable pressure points in the human body, and striking any of them can cause all sorts of effects: stunning, blinding, healing, restoring memories, making people walk backward...

Popup: Kenshiro's techniques are not limited to just the human body's pressure points, as they also have affected animals and vehicles.

Boomstick: But mostly, they just make people explode! Anyway, things started looking pretty great for Kenny, he even got engaged, but then nuclear war broke out and turned the Earth into Mad Max land. Kenshiro's fiancée got kidnapped, and this guy used his knife fingers to draw a nifty Big Dipper on Kenshiro's chest. Seriously, how is he not dead after that?

Wiz: Miraculously, Kenshiro survived and began his wayward journey, wandering the wasteland searching for revenge.

Boomstick: And if we go by how many people he blew up, I'd say he got plenty of it.

Wiz: He really does leave a big mess behind, I can't even imagine what it must be like to clean up after one of his fights.

Popup: He is also proficient with nunchaku and stave weapons.

Boomstick: Kenshiro had no problem killing hordes of baddies with moves like his Bone Crushing Fist, Spilling Wheel Exploding Fist and Hundred Crack Fist. Huh, seein' him kill all these people from the inside out reminds me a lot of my ex-wife.

Wiz: Um... how?

Boomstick: Emotionally, Wiz. Most of the time, his body explosions don't even happen right away, giving him plenty of time to explain to his foes how they're about to die, right before they explode.

Geese: You think you can beat me with a finger?

Kenshiro: That finger struck the hidden vital point known as Gakuchu. There's no use fighting now. You're already dead.

Geese screams as he swells and explodes.

Boomstick: Hakuna Matata isn't just for blowing up people.

Wiz: Sure! Kenshiro has developed a number of legendary techniques, such as the Tenryu Kokyu Ho.

Boomstick: Aka the Art of Dragon's Breathing. According to Kenshiro, this unlocks the full potential of his natural abilities, where a normal fighter would only use about 30%.

Popup: He is also skilled in countering unpredictable fighting styles and slicing opponents with air.

Wiz: He can utilize Toki, or his own natural ki, to perform numerous techniques. Most of these involved punching, of course, but he can also create mirage images of himself, sense other fighting auras, and fire ki-based projectiles to attack or defend from a distance.

Boomstick: Oh, uh... and he can perform miracles, like making a mute girl speak!

Lin: KEEEEEEEEEEEN!

Boomstick: How the heck?!

Wiz: But even that pales in comparison to Hokuto Shinken's ultimate technique. One which no previous grandmaster ever unlocked, Musou Tensei. Only those who truly understand pain and loss can apply Musou Tensei. With it, Kenshiro draws upon his inner sadness to enter a state of nothingness. From here, he is impervious to attacks, essentially achieving intangibility.

Boomstick: He also somehow connects to the souls of dead allies and rivals, and can even use their techniques, but it's not like he needs them. He's already crazy enough on his own. He smashed the bones of a giant with a single hand, broke a metal table just by standing up, and hit a tank so hard, IT blew up!

Wiz: He's even strong enough to break a skyscraper in half!

Boomstick: And then when it collapsed on top of him, he just walked through it! What a boss!

Wiz: Just the concrete in one floor of an average-sized skyscraper can weigh over 1,000 tons.

Popup: He can endure a poison 5 times stronger than the typical lethal dosage of potassium cyanide.

Boomstick: (Scoffs) You think that's tough? Kenshiro can stand in lava. LAVA! You know how hot lava is?

Wiz: Up to two-thousand-

Boomstick: Yeah, really freaking hot, that's what! And remember that tank? Before he blew it up, it shot him square on, and did absolutely nothing to him! Seriously, this guy is manly as hell!

Kenshiro: Omae wa mou shindeiru. (You're already dead.)

Galzus: Nani? (What?)

Galzus' left side suddenly explodes.

Death Battle
KO!

(*Cues: DEATH BATTLE! But it's DBX: Handsome to Bald)

Results
Wiz: This battle is Draw.